After the Hurt… Is It Still Worth Looking for Love Online?
Still Hoping for Love After Catfishing or Ghosting? Here’s What I Want You to Know
I don’t think I can go through this again.
I’ve heard this countless times in my therapy room. And if you’ve ever been catfished, ghosted, or left wondering why you weren’t enough — you probably understand the feeling too.
Online spaces, including Muslim dating apps, can bring incredible opportunities for connection… but also moments of deep disappointment. Many of us go in hoping for love, only to leave with our self-esteem shaken and our trust chipped away. But I want to offer you a different perspective — one that centers your ruh (soul), your wisdom, and your capacity to heal. Let’s unpack what might be happening beneath the surface — and how you can keep showing up for love, without losing your heart along the way.
The Pain is Real — But So Is the Healing
Catfishing (when someone pretends to be someone they’re not), ghosting (sudden silence without closure), and even self-rejection (“They’ll never want someone like me anyway…”) are more than frustrating. They hit deep places in us that long to be seen, valued, and chosen. As a systemic therapist, I don’t just look at what happened — I help clients understand why it hurt so much. Often, the root isn’t just in this one experience — it’s in older stories of abandonment, shame, or conditional acceptance that are being activated all over again. So your reaction isn’t an overreaction. It’s a call to pause, reflect, and tend to what’s still unhealed. So What Now? Should I Just Stop Looking? You might feel tempted to delete all the apps, swear off love, and build walls instead of bridges. And hey — sometimes a break is necessary. But don’t mistake protection for isolation. You don’t have to choose between loving fully and being smart. You can date with both heart and boundaries. You can hope — and also screen. You can believe in love — and also believe in your own clarity.
Here are three gentle shifts to help you navigate this space differently:
1. Protect Your Heart, But Don’t Shut It Down Being selective, emotionally slow, and spiritually grounded doesn’t make you “too much” — it makes you safe. Learn to trust the pace of connection, not just the spark. Look for patterns, not promises. Ask meaningful questions, not just chemistry-based ones.
2. Trust Your Ruh More Than the Algorithm Your soul knows. When something feels off, confusing, or rushed, listen. Make istikharah with sincerity. Stay in touch with your intuition, and don’t override red flags in the name of “hope.” Allah gave us signs in people, but also inside of us.
3. Heal the Parts That Fear Rejection Sometimes the scariest part isn’t being ghosted — it’s being seen. Ask yourself: • Am I showing up from a place of wholeness… or fear of being alone? • Am I trying to prove my worth… or share it? Real love — the kind that feels safe, steady, and aligned with our faith — doesn’t need performance. It needs presence.
Final Reflections: You’re Not Too Much. You’re Not Too Late.
So if you’re still hoping for love after being let down, know this: Your desire is not a weakness. Your disappointment doesn’t define you. Your story is still unfolding. You’re allowed to be tender and discerning. Soft and wise. Open and protected. You’re allowed to still want love, even if it hasn’t found you yet. And when it does — may it be real, reciprocal, and rooted in who you truly are.
Was this helpful?
Share it with someone who needs this reminder today, or leave a comment and let’s talk. I’d love to know — which part resonated most? If you’re navigating this season and want therapeutic support, I’m here for you.
Avoiding Conflict Won’t Save Your Marriage—But This Will
As a systemic therapist who works with married couples, one thing I often hear is:
“If we argue, something must be wrong with our marriage.”
I get it. We’re conditioned to believe that conflict in marriage is a sign of failure, that a “good” relationship is one where we never fight. But let me tell you: conflict is not the problem. It’s how we handle it that matters. In fact, avoiding conflict can do far more damage to a relationship than having disagreements. Here’s why—and how you can transform your approach to conflict in marriage.
Avoidance Feels Peaceful, But It’s Actually Dangerous
When we avoid conflict, it might feel like we’re keeping the peace. We think we’re saving each other from hurt feelings or unnecessary stress. But here’s the truth: avoiding conflict is a form of avoidance itself. It might seem like you’re keeping things calm on the surface, but underneath, resentment builds. Think about it: when you don’t talk about an issue, it doesn’t disappear. It lingers. It quietly erodes the emotional connection in your marriage. Signs that conflict is being avoided in your relationship include: • You feel like you can’t talk about certain issues without arguing. • You avoid deep conversations to keep things “easy.” • You find yourself quietly angry or upset, but not expressing it. • When a problem arises, you withdraw emotionally instead of discussing it. All of this can lead to feeling disconnected—even if there’s no outward fighting. And that’s where the real problem lies.
Conflict Isn’t the Problem—It’s How We Approach It
The real issue is how we handle conflict. Disagreements are natural; they don’t have to mean the end of the world. In fact, when approached the right way, conflict can actually strengthen your marriage. The Prophet ﷺ demonstrated the best way to approach conflict: with ihsan (excellence), mercy, and patience. He didn’t avoid difficult moments in his marriage. He handled them with kindness, wisdom, and a deep understanding of the other person’s feelings. Here’s what the Prophet ﷺ taught us: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi) This hadith highlights how we should approach our spouses, especially when things get difficult. The best of us are those who approach conflict not with anger, but with care.
Healthy Conflict: What Does It Look Like?
Healthy conflict is about expressing your needs and feelings without attacking your spouse. It’s about seeing the disagreement as an opportunity to better understand each other and to grow together.
Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:
• Naming your needs: Be honest about how you feel, but do so with respect and gentleness. • Taking breaks when needed: Sometimes, stepping away for a moment to cool down can prevent things from escalating. • Listening without defensiveness: Truly hear your spouse’s side of the story, even if you disagree. • Choosing repair over being right: It’s not about winning the argument—it’s about reconnecting.
Steps to Repair After a Fight
No one likes fighting, but it’s part of every relationship. The most important part, though, is how you repair the relationship afterward. Here are three steps to help you repair after a conflict: 1. Regulate: Take a few minutes to calm your body and mind. Avoid reacting impulsively. 2. Reflect: Ask yourself, “What was really going on for me during that fight?” Understanding your own feelings and needs helps you communicate them better. 3. Reconnect: After cooling off, approach your spouse with gentleness and a desire to repair. You don’t need to have all the answers, but acknowledging the need for connection can go a long way.
A Final Reminder: You’re Not Failing—You’re Growing
If you and your spouse argue, it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. In fact, it’s a sign that you’re growing. The Prophet ﷺ showed us that disagreements are an opportunity to build empathy, trust, and a deeper connection. By addressing conflict with ihsan and compassion, you create a bond that is resilient, loving, and rooted in mutual respect. Healthy marriages aren’t those without conflict—they’re those that have learned how to navigate it with care. You don’t need perfection, you need presence.
Let’s Talk
Do you tend to avoid conflict, or is it something you’re still learning to navigate in your marriage? Share your thoughts in the comments below—let’s support each other in building stronger, more compassionate relationships.
For many single Muslims, the search for a spouse is filled with silent prayers — a hope that marriage will ease their loneliness, heal their brokenness, and finally feel like home. Yet, in my work as a systemic therapist, I have witnessed how sometimes, marriage can open deeper wounds instead of closing them. Marriage doesn’t erase your wounds. It exposes them. The way we communicate, react to conflict, seek closeness, or pull away—all of it is shaped by the experiences we carry into a relationship. If those experiences remain unprocessed, they often become emotional baggage, quietly impacting how we love and how we let ourselves be loved.
So, what Is Emotional Baggage?
It’s the unresolved pain, patterns, and beliefs we carry from our past. These can come from: • Previous relationships that ended painfully or left trust issues • Childhood wounds, such as neglect, criticism, or inconsistent love • Family patterns—perhaps you witnessed high conflict or emotional withdrawal at home • Community or cultural pressure around timelines and expectations
This baggage doesn’t just live in our minds—it shows up in our nervous systems, in our responses, in the way we connect or shut down.
Here are some signs you might need to pause and heal as you navigate the path to marriage:
• You keep attracting emotionally unavailable people • You struggle to trust even those who treat you well • You find yourself sabotaging good connections out of fear • You’ve developed a belief that you’re “too much” or “not enough” • You feel anxious or shut down in emotionally vulnerable moments
You do not need to be perfectly healed before marriage.
You just need to be: • Self-aware: Able to recognize your patterns and triggers • Growth-oriented: Willing to reflect, learn, and take responsibility • Emotionally honest: Open to connection without hiding behind masks Healing is less about achieving a “finished” version of yourself, and more about creating the capacity for intimacy, trust, and repair.
Here are a few journaling or contemplation prompts if you’re currently in the process of seeking a spouse: • What relational patterns do I keep repeating—and where do they come from? • How did my family environment shape my understanding of love and safety? • What does emotional safety feel like to me, and how will I recognize it in someone else?
Self-reflection isn’t just self-help. It’s self-respect. And it gives you the clarity to choose someone not out of fear or fantasy—but out of faith and fit. In Islam, we turn to Allah as Ash-Shāfī—The Healer.
Our emotional and relational healing can be an act of worship. Seeking therapy, making du’a, having tawakkul, and striving for better character are all parts of this journey. You’re not delaying your path to marriage by healing first. You’re honoring it.
A Loving Reminder If you’re single and working on yourself, know this: You’re not behind. You’re preparing.
And the version of you that does this heard work now will build a marriage that’s not just halal—but healing, fulfilling, and deeply rooted in emotional and spiritual safety. If this spoke to you, or if you know someone navigating their own healing journey while searching for love, share this article with them. You never know whose heart might need this reminder today. Muslim Pre Marital counselling or marriage counselling. Book an appointment
Ramadan, the holy month of fasting and spiritual reflection for Muslims worldwide, is often associated with physical discipline and religious devotion. However, its profound impact on mental health is increasingly recognized. From fostering mindfulness to strengthening social bonds, Ramadan offers unique opportunities to enhance emotional and psychological well-being.
In this article, we explore the connection between Ramadan and mental health, providing actionable insights to help individuals navigate challenges and maximize the month’s therapeutic benefits.In this article, we explore the connection between Ramadan and mental health, providing actionable insights to help individuals navigate challenges and maximize the month’s therapeutic benefits.
How Ramadan Supports Mental Health
1. Mindfulness and Spiritual Grounding
Fasting during Ramadan encourages mindfulness, as individuals focus on self-control, gratitude, and intentionality. The act of abstaining from food, drink, and negative behaviors fosters a heightened awareness of one’s thoughts and emotions. Prayer (Salah) and Quranic recitation further deepen this mindfulness, creating a meditative rhythm that reduces stress and anxiety.
2. Strengthening Community Ties
Ramadan emphasizes communal activities like shared iftar meals, nightly Taraweeh prayers, and charitable acts. These interactions combat loneliness and foster a sense of belonging—a critical factor in mental health. Studies show that strong social connections lower risks of depression and anxiety.
3. Structured Routine and Purpose
The month’s structured schedule—predawn meals (Suhoor), fasting, prayers, and reflection—creates a purposeful routine. This predictability can alleviate feelings of chaos, offering stability for those struggling with mental health challenges like ADHD or depression.
4. Gratitude and Emotional Resilience
Fasting cultivates gratitude for basic necessities, shifting focus from material desires to spiritual fulfillment. This mindset builds emotional resilience, helping individuals cope with life’s stressors long after Ramadan ends.
Challenges to Mental Health During Ramadan
While Ramadan offers many benefits, certain factors may impact mental well-being:
• Sleep Disruption: Late-night prayers and early meals can lead to fatigue, exacerbating mood disorders. • Hunger and Irritability: Prolonged fasting may cause irritability or low energy in some individuals. • Social Pressure: Expectations to host gatherings or participate in events can induce stress.
5 Tips to Prioritize Mental Health During Ramadan
Balance Nutrition: Opt for complex carbs, protein, and hydrating foods during Suhoor and Iftar to stabilize energy and mood.
Rest Strategically: Prioritize short naps and aim for 6–7 hours of sleep to combat fatigue.
Set Boundaries: Politely decline overcommitment to social events if they cause burnout.
Practice Self-Compassion: It’s okay to adjust fasting or prayers if health conditions arise. Islam offers flexibility (rukṣah) for those in need.
Seek Support: Connect with loved ones or mental health professionals if feelings of sadness or anxiety persist.
Conclusion: Embrace Holistic Well-Being
Ramadan is more than a physical detox—it’s a chance to reset mentally, emotionally and spiritually. By integrating mindful practices, fostering community, and prioritizing self-care, individuals can harness the month’s spiritual power to nurture long-term mental health.
Dr Zuhra Ahmad and Ayesha Aslam’s pilot research on Mental Health awareness in school aged children using mindfulness was chosen and published. We were asked to deliver a presentation in Birmingham and we won best oral presentation.
Published in: Archives of DISEASE IN CHILDHOOD, May 2019, Volume 104 Supplement 2
Mindful Muslim
Background:
The prevalence of mental ill health in primary school-aged children is increasing and occurs in up to 1 in 10 children. Mental Health problems cause distress and greatly impact educational attainment, physical health and building social relationships. There is little data on mental health issues in primary school-aged children amongst ethnic minorities. Mental health issues are often unrecognised and not addressed in this population. Mindfulness techniques have been found to improve mental health and well being in children.
Aims:
To increase mental health awareness and teach mindfulness skills to primary school-aged children from ethnic minority groups and break down the stigma associated in using mindfulness within Muslim communities.
Methods:
A prospective, pilot health promotion programme was conducted to assess recruitment rates, prior knowledge and prevalence of mental ill health, and usefulness of mindfulness on primary school-aged children from ethnic minority backgrounds. Children, accompanied by a parent, attended once weekly mindfulness sessions for six weeks over the summer vacation. Self advised questionnaires were completed by parents at the start and end of the health promotion.
Results:
Twenty three primary school-aged children (6.5+-2.1 yr) participated in the pilot health promotion programmer. Children were from Pakistani, Indian and Bangladeshi backgrounds. Parents felt 30+- 22% of primary school-aged children are affected by mental health issues. Seventy nine percent of parents ‘strongly agreed’ that promotion of mental health was important for their child. Importantly, 36% of parents felt their child was currently encountering stress and anxiety or encountered stress and anxiety. Major stressors for children as perceived by their parents included school studies, new situations, parental stress, and relationship with friends and health issues including eczema. The sessions were received well and parents rated the mindfulness sessions as ‘fun’, ‘useful’, ’crucial and a ‘vital skill’.
Conclusions:
Perception of mental health problems in families of ethnic backgrounds varies greatly. Importantly, parents reported that some children have continued engaging with mindfulness skills taught in the health promotion sessions. Further sessions have been requested. More research and mental health promotion is needed in ethnic minority communities.
Amidst all the cacophony against racism, sexism, bigotry and what not, you’d think people would stop writing about them to deduce the controversy; but we all know that doing so is a lost cause. So, if you are thinking, given the title, that this would be some fashion article, then I must ask you to look elsewhere. However, if you wanted a little enlightenment on what a burkini is and the issues concerning this ensemble, then this might just suit your fancy. Gear up!
A ‘Burkini’ is a not-so-subtle name for swimwear that is industriously engineered by a Lebanese-born Australian, Aheda Zanetti. Zanetti is now a trendsetting fashion designer, working specifically to cater to Muslim women’s taste. She transfigured this ensemble upon witnessing her niece having trouble getting into the netball team because she was wearing a hijab.
“She looked like a tomato she was so red and hot!” says Zanetti.
Talk about sweating it out! She then fished out some leftover garment, set the gears running, and voila! The Burkini was birthed, a wetsuit complete with an elastic hood that resembles the hijab in functionality and use, as well as bottoms made of lycra and polyester which makes it light enough to enable wading through water with ease. Genius!
Despite the good intentions behind the creation of burkini, some people are still finding it hard to respect others’ decision of wearing a burkini or even hijab in public.
I was 15 when I first started to put on the headscarf, and it was my family at first that questioned my decision. I always responded with the intention of being closer to God and besides, it’s my free will, right? If nuns can wear it, so can I! I have never looked back, and I can’t imagine my life without it. There was also the question about the beach situation where once I got stuck coming down the water tunnel slide whilst wearing my abaya and joggers but as the Burkini came out, my worries wafted away, and brilliance took over. When I took my children to Dubai, they loved seeing me swim with them or should I say not getting stuck on the water slide. What could go wrong, right? Well, this is exactly where I am wrong.
I’m sure you’ve all heard about the debate concerning this beloved swimsuit.
Now let me tell you first that I love the UK as the people here allow me to practice my religion freely. I’m probably more British than not, and I feel at home here more than any other country. I have many friends from various ethnic and religious backgrounds, and they have never questioned why I choose to wear the headscarf. In fact, I get a lot more respect for wearing it and for believing in what I do. In France apparently, more than half of the country’s population voted to ban the wearing of the burkini as it is considered a sign of regression, oppression and backward thinking as if it supported the enslavement of women. Who are the oppressors, the people that choose to tell women what they should and shouldn’t wear?
But you see, some people believe that Muslim women are being forced into religious roles and behaviour rather than seeing these women as independent beings who give their consent where it is due. Contrary to popular belief, the burkini was made with the purpose to ease women’s plight where it did not compromise their faith. Muslim women are given freedom and are not slain to prejudice when they choose otherwise. I, myself, find the hijab very freeing and empowering as it liberates me from society’s expectation and I am not expected to conform to the latest fashion trends. If I chose to bathe in the sea sporting this hijab, it would be because I chose to do so and not because I would be the butt of scrutiny by my ethnic society if I didn’t.
With that being said, I would deeply appreciate it if Muslim women in France would be free to wear what they want to to the beach. Female scrutiny is getting old, guys! Let’s just move on, shall we? It’s all just letting people be free to do what they want to do. Not everything has to have a Shakesperian row! You do you, and I do me (respectfully, of course).
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