Dealing with the death of a loved one
إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّ إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ
Innā lillāhi wa innā ilayhī rājiʿūn
Surely we belong to Allah and to him shall we return
Death is an irrefutable fact we can’t deny. Time and again, we lose ourselves in this transient world thinking that we are going to live here forever. As a result, Allah reminds us and shows us signs with the loss of a loved one to show that everything in this world is just temporary.
Losing a loved one is undeniably a grief-stricken and devastating moment, especially for the family and close friends. Although according to Qur’an 2:156, that a soul belongs to Allah and will return to Him in time, still it is a painful moment seeing our loved one passed away. Only those people who have experienced it can truly know the depth of pain it brings when it strikes. It hurts deep down in the core that sometimes you feel numb with emotion. The Muslim community has a prescribed way in Islam on how to deal with such inconsolable loss—without violating Islamic values. These are the seven pieces of advice that can help.
1. Dua (Supplications)
Duas or supplications are the biggest weapons of a firm believer of Islam and they are unquestionable. While the believer is still alive, he/she makes Duas for our well-being, and now that he/she has gone to the afterlife, that person relies on our Dua since he/she desperately needs them now.
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Many of us have forgotten the significance of making Duas by thinking that making a Dua is all there is to do when in reality, Duas are our strongest assets to the point that they can possibly alter the decree of Allah to turn out to be another decree. With this mentality, people tend to get occupied with other acts, thinking that these acts will profit the dead, but they do not. Having get-togethers while reading Qur’an on the dead or thinking Duas are more powerful whilst at the grave are already forms of modernisations in the religion that has no authentic basis. The Holy Qur’an was made known as a form of healing and guidance for those alive. It was never the tradition of the early righteous Muslims to gather after the death on a specific day or visit the grave in order to make Duas for the dead with the perception that they will be more acceptable.
The little things we do can truly be big in the eyes of Allah. Make Duas for the forgiveness of loved ones, especially the children to their parents.
There are many ways to make your Dua. However, it should be observed in accordance with the Sunnah; take note that the best Duas are those wordings said by the Prophet.
2. Sabr (Patience)
Probably one of the hardest attribute to grasp when dealing with the death of a loved is observing patience or Sabr. Allow yourself time to heal, and don’t let death take its toll on you. Sabr enables a rightful Muslim to demonstrate reliance and contentment to the decree of Allah. This will also allow that person to be grateful to Allah despite such loss knowing that Allah will never burden a soul with more than he/she can bear and that He designed this pivotal moment to pay off the loss with something much bigger in the future.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) reminds us that a true believer will express gratitude to Allah, if prosperity attends that person, and he/she will patiently endure any adversity that befalls him, thinking that it is for his best interests.
Observing Sabr or patience does not mean we cannot feel down or cry our grief; for Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also had tears in his eyes when Ibraheem, his son passed away. But we must not hit oneself, cry excessively, tear down the clothes, and most especially question Allah’s decree. These acts are strictly prohibited, and thus, we waste away on the great reward that is to come for being patient.
3. Don’t dwell in isolation
It is quite common to be engulfed by grief with the death of a loved one. However, one must not dwell in it much, as this sends an invitation to Shaytan to become misery’s company. The ploy is to give your attention to every little thing you have, thinking that this could also be taken away from you. Love brings love while regret leads to discontentment; discontentment should not be felt, most especially to the Glorified and Exalted Allah. Let the death of a loved be a lesson of detaching from Dunya and to hold Allah (glorified and exalted be he) in your heart above all others.
4. Aiding and Forgiveness
In life, we have our own share of disagreements which may, later on, lead to holding grudges against one another. Forgiving your deceased loved one for any wrongdoings they have done to you is a great gift you can give to them. By freeing yourself from grudge or something that person owes you, you are being merciful to that person which will also lead to Allah being merciful upon you as well.
Besides giving forgiveness to what is due, a faithful Muslim also ought to help a deceased brother with any outstanding debt he or she may have left behind. The living faithful follower must also help in the funeral as well, for this is one of the obligations of a Muslim to another Muslim brother or sister. Help the close relatives or the family of the departed Muslim during their difficult time, knowing they really need any help that comes along their way.
5. Sadaqa (Charity)
Another good thing a faithful follower of Islam can do for their departed loved one is to offer charity or Sadaqa on their behalf alongside his or her own charity or Sadaqa that he/she gives while still alive. This is according to the Sunnah and one that should be taken with high importance.
Donate on projects that provide water, build a school or Masjid, or simply donate clothes and foods to charity. Sadaqa does not only mean to give money on behalf of your late loved one, but you could also do a Hajj or Umrah, just as long as you have finished your Hajj already. You can also try observing voluntary fasts for the sake of your deceased loved one. In conjunction with all of this, try to remember some of the bits of advice the departed may have shared with you and try to act them out. This will allow them to have the incessant reward for the knowledge they have imparted when they were still alive. Also, take note that by doing such acts you will benefit your own book of deeds as well
6. Occupy yourself
We all need time to heal and experience the feeling of grief as it comes. But, it is imperative to keep moving forward despite the loss. The process of bereavement carries you back to the past, reminding you of all that you could have said or done, and this makes you feel all the more depress and lonely. Thus, going back to your usual routine could become your lifeline, as this may serve as a healthy distraction to channel out your energy to do something good. One is never really prepared for this paralyzing pain, yet Allah (glorified and exalted be he) reassures us that every hardship will ease (Qur’an: Chapter 94 verse 5).
7. Reflection
Lastly, take these pivotal and precious moments of contemplation over the reality of this temporary world and that we will also depart from this transient phase to join Allah (Inshallah). We are encouraged to think about death over and over again and visit graveyards to keep us back on track and assess our current relationship and state with Allah. Do not let the evil spirits keep you busy with all the worldly needs of this world. Remind yourself especially your loved ones and the others around you that death is just around the corner. We must do more to become better servants and faithful followers of Allah. With our reconnection with Allah upon a person’s death, that deceased follower may get the rewards for your good works as well.
Feeling a deeper love for someone would also mean feeling deeper grief for that person’s loss, as they say, to grieve is to love. During the death of a loved one, we feel vulnerable, raw, anguished, devastated, and so much more. Pain can be manifested in different ways, and the coping mechanism of an individual differs from person to person.
There is no exact timeline for a healing process or grief, but in time, these sharp pangs may become blunt. But the Qur’an and the Sunnah can help us deal with these emotions more appropriately. Following these steps will not only help us recover in time, but it will also help the soul of our bereaved loved ones and ours as well. In addition seeking Counselling can help you through the grieving process.
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I am Shaheen Akhtar from Assam, India.
Thank You so much for bringing in such beautiful, genuine and worthy thoughts on death and the dead. I have lost my father in 2016 and I am sure he is resting in eternal peace. This page is rally helpful.
salamwalaikum sister. i lost my fathers sister just today, and I feel for the wrongdoigns I have done. She was taken from cancer. I feel the pain for the young children she had. I was toxic and rude to them in front of the mother who lost her life in the fight for cancer. I will always feel the remorse, may allah subhanawattalh forgive all and takes us to where we belong. This world is temporary, us staying here is a gift and we all have our times to leave and enter.
Mashallah, it’s a nice explanation, it will help our Muslim community who lost a loved one.
Thank you so much! خزاك الله خيرا
I lost my father 6 months ago. And this post has helped me a lot. Re-enforced my beliefs in Allah SWT & in the sunnah of the prophet. الحمدلله
Asalamualikum, I’m from Islamabad Pakistan, and have lost my father on 26 October 2020 . He was the most loving and humble human being and best father. I’m trying to cope his leaving us , but at times the pain gets unbearable.
I hope one day I’ll feel at peace . Your article has been very helpful.
Salam wa alakum brother, I have also lost my brother 6 months ago he passed away April 23, 2020 and my father passed away in 2001 I was 11 when my father passed away Allah yerhamhum this is all a test from Allah swt to test us to see how strong how faith is and Alhamdulilah we are firm believers and we are strong people of faith Alhamdulilah. Allah yerhamhum. May Allah swt have mercy on the Muslim people who have passed away before us and May Allah swt have mercy on us when it is our time to depart this earth Ameen Ameen 🙏
Mashallah very insightful information and deep expression helps us to identify and better cope up with the loss. Jazakallah
May Allah bless the writer.have been grieving over the lost of my brother who passed away January 2020.
This post has really helped me become stronger and has increased my iman.
Asalamaliakum
Jazak allah khair for this post. I lost my father in July 2020. It hurts a lot. May Allah SWT forgive my father and all mumins who passed away and who are alive.
Allahumma Salli ala Muhammadin wa ‘ala `Ali Muhammadin, kama sal-laita ‘ala all Ibrahima innaka Hamidun Majid. Allahumma barik ‘ala Muhammadin wa ‘ala all Muhammadin, kama barakta ‘ala all Ibrahima, innaka Hamidun Majid.
Assalamwalaikum,
I lost my brother 3 months ago and was in depression. After reading this I have gained some hope and truly believe that Allah SWT is always with us. I pray to Allah SWT to grant jannath Firdouse to my brother. Ameen
Thanks for this,it’s indeed painful losing the ones we love, I lost my mum on the 4th of ramadan,walahi it very painful,I pray Allah grant all the Muslims that have gone Aljanah firdaus
My dear colleague whom i truly love lost her younger brother today, he was very young and my heart grieves for her and her family. I am a Christian and she is a Muslim and although i will do my best to express my genuine sorrow for her loss in words and in actions this article has helped me to offer the greatest of comfort. Thank you, truly.
Thank you so much for the advice, it’s so painful to lose a loved one,I lost my grandmother and she was everything to m till date am still grieving may Allah ease it for m and I pray that Allah (SWT) 4gives all the deceased muslims and grant them Jannat firadaus ameen
JazakAllah for this beautiful well explained and backed up by hadith explaination. I lost my beloved mother on my birthday few days ago and it was very difficult for me to accept that the one who gave me birth died on the same day I entered this world. But ofcourse, birthdays are not relevant in islam and this was Allah SWT way of making me understand.
It was a relief to see this article.
Assalamu Alaikum
I lost my mom and grandmother in November only two days apart. I was in extreme pain and I didn’t even get a chance to see them.They both died due to covid 19 complications. This post helped me so much to ease my stress and please Dua for my mom and grandma to attain the highest place in Jannatul Firdouse. Ameen.
Thx you so much for the guidance. I just lost my father on 5th dec 2020. When i’m back to work, i still try to call him afterwork on the way back home like i always do, as i keep feels that he’s still alive. Remembering that make me feel so sad and i will cry a lot. Reading this help me to calm down and make me face reality and embrace the feeling.
Thx you again for this guidance.
Thank you for the time and heart that went into this advice. I lost my father three weeks ago to COVID-19, and tonight I learned my dear friend lost her husband to leukemia. He was only diagnosed a few days ago. Amidst my own grief, my heart is with her. She and her husband immigrated to the U.S. from Iraq in November of 2019. Settling into a new country amidst the pandemic has been a difficult transition for them, yet they have been nothing but thankful and gracious to their new community. We live in a small, conservative, deeply Christian, midwestern city. They are my brother and sister, and we love the same God. I have felt such peace and gratitude from my friends. I came across your advice while I was looking for information on Islamic mourning. I wish to respect and honor the customs and traditions of my friends. They are still in a new place with a new language and new culture – so how may our family be supportive in this time? Do you have any advice for my situation?
Thank you for this.. I have just lost my father 15th Dec only a week ago. As it was so sudden I can not process what has happened. I am following all these recommendations but it is still very hard as I miss him so much.. his advice will always be in my heart. I pray that he is granted the highest place in Jannah.. I hope he can feel my Dua’s for him I do everyday!!
I am a solider of allah ,I can tell you this much ,is that the believers are in a good place ,dont cry ,just rely on allah and do you’re best ,allah loves the people who are trying ,and don’t chase butterflies in this world ,and always remember allah ,and allah will remember you ,and inshallah I will see all the uncles ,aunties, brothers and sisters in jannah ,Ameen ..
Very beneficial jzk, my mother past away yesterday after spending 2 months in hospital. Not being able to see her was very painful. May Allah (swt) have mercy upon her and all who have passed and grant them the highest place in jannatul firdous
This really helps, may Alllah bless the person who wrote this page.🙏🤲
Jazak’Allah for this beautiful message.
I am writing here for I feel i need some help and before writing this, I am praying and hoping someone responds to this message.
I am a mother of 2 beautiful kids and have everything in life. However, I lost my mum to cancer in June 2020 and it was all very unexpected and sudden. Life completely changed in a few months. Mum was like no other mum, a single mum brought us (me n my bro) up being both a mum and dad. Protective, full of love and there for us every minute of our lives. i was with her almost all during her last year despite being in different country. Even her last breath was in my hand. I have tried alot but im finding it very difficult to come out of this trauma. I have never been this close to Allah as much as I am now. I pray 5 times, i do everything, i would do anything and everything just coz i remem how she used to ask us to pray and i never saw her missing a single prayer in her life. When I am doing everythin then why is it that im not getting sabr? Everyone told me sabr comes with time but now it will be 7 months then why is it that I feel all that i long is die (a natural death..not that im suicidal), just so that i can meet her. Im getting obsessed with it to the point i keep hearing lectures on life after death, burzukh, meeting ur dead ones in Burzukh etc. This keeps me moving and its like each day i wake up praying that i join my mum ASAP. Why is that i dont see the ones who are living? my kids, my husband? why am i so selfish. they look upon me but i care for none but just wish to be with my mum. why is that so?
do i need to see a counsellor or a psychiatrist? is this all abnormal? please help me. Please help me!
Salam Alaykum Iqra
I am sorry about your mother’s passing and I understand you are in pain and losing a mother is extremely difficult, they are our world and mean so much to us. Sabr comes with strength and that is what you need. Your mother is resting and inshallah with all your duas she will be granted jannah al fardous. One day, by Allah’s will you will be reunited with her however now is the time to be strong for your family especially your children. Like you, they love there mother and need there mother. We all need to remember that we plan but Allah subhana wa ta’ala has already planned and we have to accept this. Alot of people have lost loved ones and not been able to see them for the last time or be with them so keep saying alhamdlillah that you was blessed with this. You will find sabr in strength and in reliance and trust in Allah. Your mother will always be in your heart, you will never forget her but as a Muslim you need the strength to live with the void and allow yourself to move on and be happy that she died a good muslim and was healed of her suffering. Allow yourself to be a good mother to your children so they grow to love you and care for you as you did for your mother.
The prophet (pbuh) told us to be patient, his heart carried the grief of losing 6 of his children and both his parents. We are no better than the Prophet (pbuh) himself.
I wish you all the best and all the strength to find sabr inshallah ❤️
Sister I feel for you. I lost my father a week ago. I understand your pain. When it is your time, when it is the Qadr of Allah you will join her Jannah. Please don’t wish death upon yourself. Every soul shall taste death at their appointed time. Try and focus on your children and move forward. Don’t listen to the whispers of shaytaan. For as long as you are alive making dua your mom will benefit the rewards. In Sha Allah. Trust Allah swt.
Sister, I just lost my mum, right now I cant sleep, im crying while I’m typing this message. My dad is gone too, he passed away infront of me but my mum passed due to covid complications. Its not easy and what you typed is actually you in SABR. This is natural to feel so so distraught. But while you are on this earth you can pray while you walk, go work, shopping, driving, etc and all barakah will go to your loved one amd they receive this message that their child is praying for them, they feel ease then. I have no one to cry to except Allah, my wife and son are abroad and I’m here alone. Sister we all have our appointed time, till then you are in sabr mode. Allah only burdens a person only so much that they CAN cope with. Thats not accurate translation but you are strong and your mum would want you to be strong too. Insha’Allah you are in my duas.
Dear sister. I was blessed with many siblings alhamdullillah. When our father died, may Allah swt give him Jannat al Firdawz, we siblings mourned. Everyone of his mashallah 10 children mourned him differently. Not because any of us loved him more or less or anything like that. But because we are 10 different people with different mindsets and different jistories and current living conditions. What I mean by this is: there is no right amount of time one needs to process the pain. Some need 3 days some need 7 months some 2 years. Of course I wish for you that your pain fades quicker, but I just wanted to tell you that there is nothing abnormal about being in that state after 7 months. Cause your mother, may Allah swt grant her Jannat al Firdawz sounds like an extraordinary parent and muslim. Mashallah. The intense love you bear for her is what makes you long for her. My brother, may Allah grant him Jannat al Firdawz, died from covid 2 days ago. His laughter was the SUN of our entire family. I know he is in the best care, cause he is in the care of our most merciful lord. And still I long to be with him. In his presence. I know that the time inshaAllah may come when we will be reunited with him. I think it is not wrong if you seek the help of a doctor or a psychologist. Sometimes one needs help. I wish you all the best and your children and family and may God be merciful towards our entire Ummah and grant us Jannat al Firdawz so that we may be welcomed by our loved ones and those who God is pleased with.
Salamu alaiki wa rahmatul allah,
I recently lost my dad due to corona and weep daily so I understand you.
Sabr will come inshallah for now let’s thank Allah we are alive and let us do what will benefit them.
If you were not serious with religion, it is now time to be pious and prayerful. Remember your prayers will improve her position in jannah inshallah. Prayer is the mumeen weapon so please pray for her.
Try to do any charity on her behalf remember even a smile is charity.
May Allah grant all our deceased Muslims loved ones jannat firdos al aalaa. Amin
It’s the grief. I lost my father 3 weeks ago and I’m the same . My heart literally aches. Just keep doing zikr when you think like this/ I’m so sorry for your loss . Nobody ever prepares you for the loss of a parent . Nobody tells you the pain you will suffer . I research the exact same thing again and again . Then I pray and do dua
Jazakallahu Khairan this has really helped me put things into perspective ! We are so blessed in Islam to have answers helping us to deal with different situations in life ! I lost my Mother just over a week ago and it hurts ! It hurts to know that I will never see her again in this life and I pray for the day we meet again Inshallah in the next ! Subhanallah at that moment when she passed, May Allah bless her, nothing mattered anymore all the grudges and the hate etc. it felt so petty ! So I made it a rule Inshallah to follow how my Mum lived her life to be patient and forgiving !
My beloved father passed away just 14 days ago. I am very sad and am struck by different emotions. Muslims in my family tell me not to cry, that it is the worst thing I can do for him. But how can I not cry for my beloved father? I find it cruel 8they expect me to be a stone. I can’t. I pray, I do things for my dad’s soul, may he rest in pe peace. But I want to truly grieve this loss. It is an astronomical loss for me. May Allah SWT bless my father with Jannah. I love him so much and I am grateful to Allah SWT for giving me father like I had.
Assalamu alaikum
Right now I feel empty .
Just because my wife left me & I have 2 kids
She is not showing my child
Just hiding. Me fully addict of my child but she playing with my feelings so pls refer me any aayat to get some peace ….
I feel like I’m in grave yard